30 June 99

This appeared yesterday on a local TV news station in Georgia. It seems that the often touted, transcendental “genetic osmosis” which is supposed to instantly convert all American Southeasterners into gun experts at birth didn’t work in this case:

“A prisoner, serving a life sentence at the State Penitentiary, complains of an injury, and gets subsequently sent to the County Hospital (in shackles and leg irons, of course) in the custody of two, armed Corrections Officers, whom we’ll call ‘Goofy’ and ‘Goofette.’

Despite shackles, leg irons, and the ostensibly watchful eye of Goofy, the prisoner still manages to escape… with Goofy’s pistol! Not surprisingly, neither the local police nor the prison administration will discuss how this could have possibly happened.

Obviously embarrassed, Goofy and his partner chase after the (now armed) prisoner, who car-jacks a mother and child’s car from the hospital parking lot. Goofette then fires a ‘warning shot’ from her pistol into the air. Unimpressed, the escapee drives away in the woman’s car.

Ten minutes later, the empty car is found behind a commercial building, next to a dumpster.

The prisoner is also found (you guessed it!) hiding in the dumpster. How original! He surrenders meekly.

The mother and child were uninjured.

Police and corrections officials are investigating to see if any ‘safety procedures’ were violated when Goofette fired the futile warning shot. No word if any ‘safety procedures’ were violated when the obviously-not-too-bright prisoner effortlessly escaped from two, armed prison guards, while taking a gun from one of them!

In the background of the breathless local TV reporter’s coverage, we see Goofy, whose gun has been retrieved and returned to him, hunched over, pointing it at the ground in front of himself, with a mystified look on his face.

It becomes apparent that he’s trying to figure out if it’s loaded or not, but doesn’t know how to do a chamber check! The news report ends with Goofy wandering around the parking lot with the pistol, still upholstered, holding it with two fingers by the slide, and panning the crowd with it.”

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