A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to “Where do pets come from?”

“Adam said, ‘Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here, and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me.”

God said, ‘No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever, and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how self-centered, infantile, or nauseating you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself.’

Thus, God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam, and it was a good animal, and God was pleased. The new animal was pleased to be with Adam, and he wagged his tail. Adam said, ‘Lord, I have already named all the other animals in the Kingdom, and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.’

God said, ‘No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him dog.’ So, dog lived with Adam, and was a companion to him and loved him. Adam was comforted. God was pleased. Dog was content and wagged his tail more or less continuously.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam’s guardian angel came to the Lord and said, ‘Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well.’

God said, ‘No problem! I will create for him a new companion who will also be with him forever, but who will see him as he really is. The new companion will be fundamentally unimpressed with Adam and remind him of his limitations.’

So, God created cat to be a companion to Adam. Cat would not obey Adam, and, when Adam gazed into cat’s eyes, he was conspicuously reminded that he was not the supreme being. Adam learned humility. God was pleased. Dog was happy. And cat didn’t give a shit one way or the other.”